I've Got A New Golden Razor Blade I Wear On A Chain Around My Neck

Have you noticed all of the birds drinking from the grapevine lately? Better stock up on duct tape to keep our mouths shut. Don't worry, I can afford it, I've picked up a part time job as your personal chauffeur, at least it feels that way because I've been carrying thoughts of you with me everywhere I go.

I never catch on, I'm just not ready. Sometimes I think I might be doing this so that my stomach can push up what I left behind... and can't remember. Please just this once hang on and don't forget, you won't ever really know.

I guess these are notes that I wish I wrote on napkins and left under wind shield wiper blades.

Labor day is waving his finger in a taunting fashion, reminding us that Summer has passed and days are growing shorter. Holidays are for family and since I don't really fit into that category anymore they've become an excuse for sleep. It's my bed, I made it, I'll lie in it.

Cut the ties lets go! This anchor has rusted and the sails are full with our last breaths.

Promise right now that you'll ruin me. If you will I can promise that it well help us to get along better. Even the sky is scarred with stars.

ClueMeInOrCutMeOut

Dialate Me

It's a perfect summer day outside but I'm consumed by this lump in my throat. It bears a sweet aftertaste that coats my stomach with feelings similar to the time my dog ran away.

Just because you can... go ahead and take your shyness pills. Just promise to put it all on the line every single time and we'll both be ok. But I have to warn you...just when you were thinking I couldn't get anymore flamboyant, I got a new vest and some shoes with teddy bears on them.

The real me is anti-matter. It’s the time/space continuum. It's the 4th dimension. Its all these theoretical ideas that can't be proven.

How I feel is “what killed the dinosaurs” and “how the pyramids were built”. Just guesses that maybe hit their marks and maybe are miles off.

Lately, my reflection appears as if it is just the hull of this spaceship, that is burning up in the atmosphere on it's way back to earth. About to crash hard at the learning curve.

Take this to press. I’ve only got four stories to tell and they're getting old. Dig up some new dirt. I'll air some more dirty laundry. Cause that’s all this is. A laundry room without any washing machines (nobody's coming clean on their own anymore).

Put the buzzing phone to my pulsating head. I tell us both, “I’ll be home soon”…we know it's a lie but it makes us both feel ok. I know this probably doesn’t make a whole lot of sense but it just feels better to get it out to you.

I Am For The Moment And The Wreckless

Comfort can come from the strangest places. While you are dying, waiting on a phone call. I had one of the best conversations I've had in my entire life last night.

There is only one single pair of eyes that could ever decode any of this.

Put another "x" on the calender. Summer is on its deathbed and I'm convinced that there is simply nothing worse than knowing the ending. This year it's stripes and pumps, last year it was dance floors and you. She keeps talking, I keep staying the same. Did you ever change your mind about someone and then just realize it was a fucking haircut. Put me in a frame on your wall, just to keep me out of trouble.

Everything is always either digging a hole or digging yourself out of one. And just when you have it all figured out you should just sift through your pile of "never again"s. Quite a collection. Blow off the dust. The road outside of my house is paved with good intentions. But it is hell on the undercarriage of the car so we're gonna have to hire a construction crew. I wonder if anyone else thinks of you as much as I do, even you.

A mutual misunderstanding. Kaleidoscope eyes sparkle on pillows in the dark. And I don't care what anyone thinks of that except me. Put the love on hold, anticipation is on the other line and excitement called while you were out.

Sit Back And Relapse

My new hero is Max Fischer... look him up. He wrote a hit play, worked his ass off to build an aquarium for Miss Cross, and saved Latin.

Diving for sunken treasure has never looked so cool.

Her scent is still on my pillow case and I'm thinking about spending the rest of the day soaking it in. Her lips have been active but she swears her hips are reserved....

If she was my prescription I would surely overdose... because taking her once daily is not an option.

I had such great thoughts about us this morning, unfortunately I left my pen behind. So I memorized some key words to write down when I returned... it was something about "you," "me," and "forever."

shesmyrushmore

I'll Play Sid And You Can Play Nancy

I found a group picture that we both appeared in, months before we shared a moment. I've cropped it so we are closer, just to see what it might feel like. So far so great.

Clandestine was just a clothing line, it wasn't supposed to be how we operate. I've dreamt of being your leading man, but never in a million years did I think we'd be courting Shakespeare. Montague's to Capulet's, whatever keeps you close.

My new favorite thing is your head on my chest, beneath light covers, hiding from the fan on high. The dog between our feet, hinting towards a future. Or is it just me.

Even if you throw this all in reverse in the days to come, my heart will always skip a beat for the past few weeks.

My life’s a rainstorm of “I love you’s” yet I'm always left stepping in the puddles. I never really wanted to fit in any place.... except your arms.

pleasesayyes keepmebreathing

Flame Guns For The Cute Ones

Let's write down all of our feelings in cursive just so they will all take it more serious.

I'm working for the Montague Show and you are still back in the Capulet's Department. I heart the way we still work together behind close(d) doors.

Have I thanked you today for not rejecting all of my weird tendencies. It means more than you know.

I lost you in a dream last night to another.... along with the ability to fall back asleep. So I decided to browse the harbor by foot with the dog. My new favorite thing (besides what you do to my heart) is the way that the streetlights reflect in the pavement when it's raining outside.

I've been practicing licking stamps because I'm getting the feeling that you just might be worth writing home about....

Gloom to swoon = you

grateful = me

ihavenotsaidaword... imjealousofthespotlights... andthewaytheyclingtoyou

The Opposite of Amnesia... That's What I Have

Wanna swap hearts? Come on... quit stalling and hand yours over. You already have mine.

I'm not usually one to give chase but you've managed to stir up this thing in my chest... and it's racing in all directions. So I guess I have no other choice but to spill these thoughts in awkward fashion, on this canvas of chance and self doubt.

Quit with-holding evidence. The jury's out and rumor has it they're only stalling for the dramatics. Let's serve life together. Felonies of the heart are the best crimes ever committed. Let's break all of the laws of romance and point the finger at loneliness.

I promise to bail you out. Any objections will be over ruled.

I'm well aware that bad news travels fast... and to you I may seem the worst of it. But I assure you that whatever caption is written next to my picture is the exact opposite of me. The same goes for the whispers.

I wish for Autumn. I'm always thinking of breath in the air and leaves burning somewhere. Somehow I attach it to feeling okay..... In a running home from school kind of way.

Mayday Mayday. There has been a fire in the engine room. Failure lights are up everywhere. Me and this pen... just like always.

Dear Expatriots, Let's Be Strangers And Give Up What We Know

With waving arms and open smiles they grabbed my attention... "Come play this new game with us.. it's called "Friendship." I had been admiring their good times from afar for quite some time, so I quickly joined them.

Time passed, and soon I was getting better at the game than the rest of them. So they changed the rules. GAME OVER

From now on I think I'm just going to be a fan of 1-player games. High scores don't lie.

So excuse me while I unplug myself and walk away. Besides, I found this new game called "Self Respect" that I like. I'm only at level 1 but I'm getting much better. I hear there's even a secret code that lets you skip ahead to the end. That's the part where you have to face this massive demon that spits Liar Balls in your direction. I'm punching in the code as we speak. My plan is to burn the bridge that he's standing on. I hear he'll drown in the sea of regrets beneath. This game rocks. I only wish I had an extra man left.


I'm in love with the way that I'm clumsy with my own heart. I literally spilled it on a post-it note and stuck it on her door last week. Fearless? Nah, perfect. What the word "popular" is to you, the word "weird" is to me. We're both striving towards our own labels.

iactthisway...onlybecauseiwant2bemissed

A Letter From My Current Self; To Myself 10 Years Ago

Hey man, just wanted to drop you a note and go over a few things. First and foremost, I believe in you. Now... take a look around. I know you're not going to believe me but with the exception of mom and dad, everybody else in your life right now will disappear. It's not as tragic as you think.

Stop what you're doing.. Find K.C..... hold him tight. Please tell him "I'm sorry." Remind him that you'll never leave him alone. Stick to this promise. Seriously.... write that down.

Tell dad to quit smoking... hug mom more often, you're weird, embrace it. Visit NY and admire the Twin Towers. You're going to be hearing about this thing called Google. Put all of your money into it.. early.

You're going to earn some amazing scars in the next few years. I know you're smiling you sick fuck. I shouldn't have to tell you this but don't drink and drive.

The only thing you'll have forever is that goddamn pen. It will be buried in your hand.

You're gonna learn a lot of things but none of them will include: Unconditional love, modesty, grammar, or impulse control. I'd like to think that you wouldn't hate me.... but who am I kidding? Spotlight or no spotlight thats always kind of been your thing - it's just kind of funny that its in fashion right now. I never did anything just for a buck back then, and I still wont. Don't give up on me. In some ways I think I'm walking away from all of this as we speak. Here are some books you should read... they will make your head rest easier at night, more importantly they will help you understand yourself:

the old man and the sea
our lady of the flowers
the green hills of africa
the motel life
on the road
the every boy
the heart of darkness
first love, last rites

Take care of yourself. I'm waiting on a letter from ten years from now.

Oh... 1 more thing... there is this madness that runs inside our heads and as you know it's the only one refuge from it all. Don't give up on it just because it's deep inside mountains, hidden in your mind. That is where we can still meet. (It's called Arcadia) We can still write. We can love. I sit at the gates and wait for you. Right now it is lush and green and empty. It is yawning wide, its great teeth are ready to swallow us inside - but not like a mouth... closer to a fortune cookie and we are the fortun(at)e inside. Before the hour is up I will make my way back to my bedroom and out of Arcadia.

Take care of yourself. Hug K.C. again

There are words that can be strung together and repeated in your ear in a particular order that will unlock the codes of this heart. Sit and wait on them.

Until then, you're going to lose some important people in a short period of time and you'll try to beat yourself up over this. Just know that it's not your fault. Write that down... It's not your fault.

Talk to Dad more often. He's a great friend to have a late night conversation with. You guys are so much alike.

Start waking up earlier... the sky is much more brilliant when it looks bruised.

nevermindanything

You Are The Canary, I am The Coalmine

I'm going to write you down and keep you in my wallet so when I die, they'll all realize that I took you everywhere amongst my favorite possessions. You mean more than most ever will. How bout you write that down. Keep it close(d).

I needed a copy of my birth certificate the other day... I finally found it on God's refrigerator. It was on a post-it note with the title "My favorite mistakes." You were on there to.

Her friends warned me that her heart was a Brinks truck, complete with insecurity guards. But to me she was just another fearless verbal warrior. She introduced me to the word dowry and then called me a curmudgeon in the following sentence. I called her a thesaurus abuser. I wanted so bad to write her down and laminate the moment. Hearts for Chicago. Scars for flights home.

PS: the codeword for heart breaker spells just like her name

If they travel on foot to mock you they mean it more. (Im/depress me all at once.)

Don't worry, just remember that empty threats have the best intentions. They come from the heart. It's the follow throughs that are way too obvious... Follow throughs are just the completion of the task, they're not the brains of the operation.

I'll always be the kid unaware that his zipper is down.... as long as it makes you smile.

love,
the fancy kid

Craving Everything I'm Not

I am a time capsule. Put something inside of me. I will show it back to you on your deathbed.

My eyes are always rubbed red.

My best friend has been designed to perfection - down to the stripe over his eye. Everything else is wrecked and broken down on the side of the road, and thats if I'm lucky.

I'm always up until it gets light out. Waiting.... for things that never happen.

In my wallet I carry a letter filled with words I have never told anyone. Maybe one day I'll get some courage and a stamp.

Love,
the ruiner of hearts

I'm Just Watching The Whores Parade For The Price Of Fame

I can't help but feel sorry for my hotel room's mini-bar. It has to be thinking that Bin Laden was lurking behind the Toblerone..... the way I raided that thing last night would make Colin Powell envious.

I always thought muscle memory was shit. But lately in bed, I've found my arms tingling along the insides that used to wrap around you.

I'm the kid that likes to point out that motivational speeches only benefit the speaker. You know.. I'll always be a "means to an end" kind of kid.

I loved her before the lights. She's the only one I've entered a relationship with that makes loss a comfort zone. I miss my parents, I miss our trip. L Train, 3rd Base Line, NY Mets, Batting Practice, Harry Carey signing dirty baseballs from my mit. I love that the only thing I hold onto at this very moment is the fact that I can't even remember the score from that day. That's freedom, that's love, that's living for the moment and never looking back.

I'm tired of showing up just to disperse the crowds..... like I'm some sort of twisted fire marshal.... "folks please make your way towards the exits... in an orderly fashion..."

No need to worry, this is just a routine alarm to remind you that at any moment this could all fall apart.

Chicago is for lovers, the rest is for others.

PS: heroes will surprise you in flattering ways.

writeyourselfinandout

Die Romantic

Do they have radios in heaven? Because they're playing my song... and I'm singing it to you.

If for some reason they don't, I'm bringing my guitar to your pillow, and we'll make it your personal lullaby.

I'm proudly sitting amongst the skyline of Chicago. Lake Michigan is the deepest blue, waves lapping, waving "good night" towards the sunset.

Not so bad for a kid who gave up ribs to fight for breath on day 1. Lavish makes me insecure, but the view is so amazing. Although random, I wish my mom was here to share this with. This was our city... way back then. I guess it still could be. Cubs games, walks on the Pier, and Gino's Pizza are on my list of things to do..... right after "call home."

Today I wished I was the white crayon in your box of 64... just so I could be certain that you won't use me.

icantwaittogetalive

Make it Glamorous. Make the Rumors True.

Someone thought they would go out and teach my heart a lesson.

She is a STARVINGmakeoutARTIST. We exchanged sloppy kisses in the rain until I realized that she was only in it for the rain.

I left a message on the mirror before you woke up in the morning so when you shower you can see it fogged up around your reflection.

Written with my fingers as your body touch still lingers on my chest, turning the handle of the door. You're so pretty in the morning and so desperate in the evening.

Next time I'll make the moves, if next time you'll tell the truth

There is not a single word I could write that would make you understand how I feel right now. Please return my spirit to me.

I Know I'm Not Your Favorite Record, This is Side 1, Flip Me Over

I'm only as good as my last breathe, and to be honest I'm feeling short of it without you. Between all of the nervous laughter and the continuous morning shakes, I'm surprised anything clings to me. But these thoughts of us do.

I died on the inside twice today, but this rum insists on re-enacting scenes from the movie Flatliners so I should make it out ok.

If she was my girl I'd treat her like a file on my computer. I would click "File/Save" every couple of minutes to make sure that I wouldn't lose her.

Notice how we only say "I'm only human" when we're caught, or we're dropping bad news. I can't help but notice that we have a strange concept of what a human is.

I love you in the sexy way, and the just friends way. You pick.

whydontbirdstrytoflyintoouterspace

Miami Dice

I'm sitting at the ground zero of my local drinking habit, the place where it all began, ended, and started up again... The Brickhouse Tavern. I'm guessing they're playing a "late 90's" themed Muzak station. Every song has been kicking my memory in the shins, reminding me of when I first started in radio. Good times, a lot of memories, a lot of friends missing in action. (pause for a toast, and a damp napkin to wipe the blood from my lips.....) Music is like an auditory photo album, playing a call and response game with the corners of my mind. It's weird ya know, those memories start to itch after you locate them. As if they are making an effort to be remembered one more time. It reminds me of how my dog won't let me stop rubbing his belly, he'll just lick me and annoy me until I start back up, or until he falls asleep. Either way he wins. So do the memories. They're my new drinking buddies.

Me: Hey... who put the fun in funeral?
Kate: Probably the same guy who put "U" and "I" next to each other in suicide.

I haven't balanced the line between carefree (the old me) and careless (the current reputation.) But I think I'm getting a grasp on it. I'm picturing my old G.I. Joe figure, reminding me that knowing is half the battle. Sir yes sir, but why is it that all of my friends still look like Cobras.. Sir?

Enjoy the last few days of your summer. They could be the worst days or the best that you'll have. Swim at night. Sleep away the mornings (I'll let you know if you miss anything) and make secrets all day.

I've already put together a plan, I'm going to make it back, even if you don't believe it. Leave a light on.

Difficult takes a day... Impossible takes a week... I'm trying to wipe away this fear but I can't. I'm afraid to type/speak/think it because I know what follows. I'm just feeling an urgent need to express/share/upload every last thought in fear that I won't have the ability much longer. Maybe I'm just overwhelmed with all of this making up for lost time.

I've responded to a "call" and I'm waiting for confirmation, but skylines are adjusting. I hear they name Hurricanes in alphabetical order, how far down the list is my name? My Area code is taking a spin on a slot machine, numbers are spinning, where will they land? Either way, I'm about to notify the pit boss that I'm cashing in my chips, and I'll be needing my ID back.

wereallgivingup1heartbeatatatime

Throwing Desks At Wolves

Did you see the corners of my mouth turn up for a second today? Cause I caught you looking.

Sometimes I wish I could re-engineer the path from my heart to the tip of my tongue and let my head have a shot at it. Lately it feels like every bad decision is put on file for later viewing. Mapquest your way back to me, take a turn for the worse and then continue for .5 miles. You make me want to file a restraining order against myself.

My dog is purple after spilling a grape soda on himself. He then ate The Tropic of Cancer by Miller. Paperback, so I guess it went down easier.

Today I thought about walking into traffic. Not to die but because I am fascinated by injury. It's probably good that "those" thoughts are so fleeting.

What are they going to arrest me for? Being awesome?

I woke from this dream this morning: I was riding a motorcycle in the desert with this wolf jumping next to me the whole time. It could jump really far. Then my dad was there and he said the wolf was bad news and couldn't stay. I lost it and picked up one of those desks with the table attatched (you know like from little house on the prairie) and asked him if he wanted to die. He said yes. So I threw the desk and he said no he didn't right before he died. I then woke up and brushed my teeth but the toothpaste tasted like it had gone bad. Then I woke up for real.

Kind of crazy.

I had to call my dad and make sure I wasn't throwing desks at him over wolves. You know.

When you are thinking about the first place where it all went wrong- please keep me in mind.

watch: barfly
read: death in installments

nostalgicfordisaster

ihavecodedmessagesforyou.aretheygettingthrough.

Live Like Vampires

I like it when my day reads like a mad lib.

A sarcastic "Sure" from my mouth tells you that I'll meet up with all of you at the bar but the reality is I'm going to be downtown spelling closure with a laugh, while you keep spelling it like everyone else. Besides, your last kiss was more like shrapnel, tearing through me.

A Friendly Reminder: I am the good guy with the bad streak. I am the part of the film that you forget you're watching. I am the first few seconds of your favorite song...and then the first words. I am Christmas morning. I am the realization of the crash. I am the punchline in a joke with new friends. I want someone to wake me up in the middle of the night for adventure. My bedroom behavior is so much more than check marks on bedposts.

So while she's wrapping up her interviews, here I am sitting in her suite with the water running just to make me feel at home (it makes me think of my mom or dad being in the kitchen...just being a name call away...weird. I know. But it helps the likes of me....speaking of kitchens...we ordered food and it should be here any minute.) My condo is a drive away but tonight I just might spend it staring the skyline that I despise right in the eye... As if to say "I'm not giving into you."

Monthly Confessions: I am pale, have hair that is thinning and I can't stay awake. I see doctors. I own too many DVD's, have no close friends, eat too much pizza and drink a lot. I laugh at myself too much and spend too much time online writing or typing to people I wish I knew. I complain in the form of words too often. I want to be skinnier, don't do enough laundry, and I take too many photos of random things that no one wants to see. I get too nervous to talk to people. I can't talk to girls. I'm about to turn this all around. The letter "I" on my laptop has rubbed off.

Clandestine Industries is the new word in your vocabulary. Store it with everything else you've placed under the definition of "Fashion Do's."

Secrets between friends are like unicorns and promises, making choices with wishes, wishing choices were honest.

openmouthsclosedhearts iwillteartheskydownforyou